Communication is a skill, not a personality test
Subtitle: For Anyone Who’s Ever Sent a Follow-Up Text Explaining the First Text
We all know someone who melts when you’re direct. And someone else who’s so vague you need a decoder ring just to know what they want for dinner.
It’s not that anyone’s wrong. It’s that most of us never learned how to actually talk to each other in a way that works. And even fewer of us learned how to adapt our communication style without also shapeshifting into a people-pleasing ghost of ourselves.
This is me fixing that (for myself, but also for you).
For a long time, I didn’t realize that people even had different communication styles. I knew not everyone spoke like me, but I assumed we were all playing by the same general rules. Turns out, we are not.
I naturally lean toward honest, sometimes blunt communication. I don’t love dancing around things, and I feel more comfortable when everything’s out on the table. But I’ve noticed that depending on who I’m with, I can completely flip. In certain settings, especially when I feel like I’m at the bottom of the totem pole, not even in a bad way, just lower status or not super confident around them yet, I get passive and indirect real fast. I’ll drop hints instead of just saying what I need. I’ll stay quiet, even when I have something to add.
It took me a while to see that shift in myself. I wasn’t being fake or trying to be someone I wasn’t. I was just adapting in real time. And when I started actually learning about communication styles, something clicked. I started giving other people more grace for how they communicated, and I started getting more intentional with how I responded.
Everyone communicates differently, but here are four common styles I see most often, and how to work with them without abandoning yourself in the process. And remember, your communication style is not a personality trait. It's a skill. It has to be practiced, and no style is better or worse than another.
Direct Communicators
These are your no-nonsense, get-to-the-point types. They value efficiency and clarity and don’t have much patience for fluff or overly emotional language.
A few things to know:
They were often raised to be independent or were in environments where directness was expected
They usually mean exactly what they say
They aren’t being rude, they just don’t like over-complicating things
What’s great about them:
You never have to guess where you stand
They handle feedback well
They help keep conversations focused and efficient
How to connect with them:
Be clear and concise
Skip the drama or long lead-ins
Don’t overanalyze their tone
Passive Communicators
These are the soft-spoken peacekeepers. They avoid conflict, often default to “I don’t care” or “Whatever works for you,” and tend to put others first even when they shouldn’t.
Why they might be this way:
They may have grown up in homes where speaking up wasn’t safe or welcome
They’ve learned that keeping the peace means staying quiet
They don’t want to inconvenience anyone
What’s great about them:
They’re empathetic and deeply thoughtful
They usually notice how others are feeling before anyone else
They’re supportive and gentle in conversation
How to connect with them:
Ask open-ended questions
Reassure them that their thoughts matter
Give them space to speak without pressure
Assertive Communicators
Assertive communicators tend to express themselves clearly while also considering how their message lands. They’re usually comfortable sharing how they feel and what they need without steamrolling others or staying silent to keep the peace.
Why they might communicate this way:
They’ve practiced being direct in safe ways
They may have had positive examples of open communication
Or they’ve learned through trial and error what works for them
What’s great about them:
They bring a sense of clarity to conversations
They’re often open to feedback
They express boundaries without creating tension
How to connect with them:
Be honest and straightforward
Don’t be afraid to share your needs
Know that their communication style isn’t perfect, just practiced
Indirect Communicators
These are the hint-droppers. Their messages are often vague, padded with humor or sarcasm, or delivered through tone instead of words. They’re often misunderstood, but more often than not, it’s rooted in discomfort. Speaking directly feels risky or vulnerable.
Why they communicate this way:
They may have grown up around explosive emotions or emotional shutdowns
They test the waters before expressing what they really feel
They don’t always have the language or confidence to say it directly
What’s great about them:
They’re emotionally intuitive and pick up on subtle cues
They’re sensitive and tend to notice tension before it escalates
They care deeply, even if they struggle to express it
How to connect with them:
Don’t take their delivery personally
Stay grounded and calm
Ask kind, clear follow-up questions
Invite them into direct dialogue, but don’t force it
Everyone has moments where they lean more assertive, passive, direct, or indirect. It’s not about being one thing all the time. It’s about learning how to recognize your tendencies and respond with more intention. If you’re constantly feeling misunderstood, over-explaining yourself, or walking away from conversations feeling frustrated, this might be why. You’re probably adjusting your style without realizing it. Sometimes that’s a strength. But sometimes, you’re shrinking to avoid conflict. And that’s when it starts to feel like something’s off.
You can be emotionally aware without being emotionally edited. You can soften your tone without shrinking your truth. You can recognize and respect someone else’s communication style and STILL stay grounded in your own.
Now when I find myself feeling stuck or reactive in a conversation, I ask:
Am I being kind and clear?
Am I holding my boundary or just trying to make everyone else comfortable?
Am I adjusting how I speak, or who I am?
That last one always stops me. Because being self-aware doesn’t mean you have to erase yourself just to be understood.
Communication is a skill. A messy, learn-it-as-you-go, reword-it-in-the-car-on-the-way-home kind of skill. And no, you’re not too much for wanting to be heard loud and clear. You’re just learning how to say what you mean in a world that loves to misunderstand women.
So yeah, naturally I lean towards direct communication, but when I’m nervous or not feeling confident in myself I become a passive communicator real quick. And that’s okay, because just being aware of it helps me recognize those situations and adjust accordingly. It’s a process and it takes time. (tbh admitting that I’m not always super confident and sometimes I skirt around things is making me feel real vulnerable for some reason).
And honestly, I’ve been working on this with myself for a while and I still consider myself to be in the beginning stages of being a better communicator. I catch myself not doing a great job all the time. So you’re not alone if you have some improvements to make.
Keep practicing. You’ll get there. .
xo, Kate
