Tough Girls Are the New Hot Girls
Subtitle: A girl coded lesson in resiliency
Somewhere along the way, we started confusing “toughness” with “emotionally unattached,” and I really need to clear that up right the heck now.
How, you ask? What’s the difference? Sooo many things. The difference is your self-awareness. Your peace. Your ability to actually enjoy your life.
But first things first... tough isn’t a bad word. I love being tough. It’s gotten me through a lot. But I think we’ve warped it. Tough doesn’t mean cold. It doesn’t mean distant. It doesn’t mean burying your feelings so deep you forget what they even are. Real toughness is rooted. Grounded. Fully aware and still choosing to show up. It’s not about pretending nothing touches you. It’s about knowing you’ll be okay even when it does.
And TBH, tough girls are the new hot girls in my book.
For most of my life, I wanted so badly to be the tough one. The no-feelings girl. The one who didn’t cry, didn’t flinch, didn’t need anything. I bottled that crap up like it was my full-time job. And sure, I looked strong on the outside. But inside? I was unraveling. I was sick all the time. Like, literal stress-induced allergies. I literally thought my allergist was full of it and lying... until they disappeared years later when I got my crap together. Mentally, I couldn’t handle as much as I made it seem like. The second life got loud, I’d shut down emotionally. And there weren't very many people who could see through the act.
But here's a big part of where I went wrong. Crying doesn’t equal weakness. Needing support doesn’t mean you’re failing. And numbing yourself doesn’t make you resilient. It just makes you exhausted. And honestly, it makes you blind to the truth.
It took a long time, and a lot of burnout, to realize that I didn’t need to perform toughness. I needed to practice actual resilience. And that’s not something you’re born with. It’s something you train for.
I had to rebuild into someone who was actually tough. Not just a bottle of Diet Coke one mento away from exploding. And the real turning point came when I realized something no one had ever said to me out loud. Resilience isn’t powering through. It’s pivoting. It’s a strategy. A game. Not always a fun one... but one you can win if you learn how to play.
You don’t become resilient by surviving something big. You become resilient by practicing how you respond to the everyday stuff that piles up.
So how do you actually get resilient? You train for it. And like anything worth building, it starts with self-awareness and ends with a lot of reps. Here’s how I like to break it down...
1. Get to know your own chaos
Self-awareness isn’t just journaling with a candle and a sad playlist. It’s learning what sets you off, how you typically react, and why. Do you shut down? Lash out? Spiral in your head while smiling on the outside? Cool. You can’t change what you don’t even notice, so start there. Observe... don’t judge.
2. Build actual coping skills
I’m not talking about bubble baths and blackout rants in your Notes app. I mean real, functional problem-solving. Reframing your thoughts when things go sideways. Taking a walk instead of sending a regrettable text. Knowing when to talk it out and when to rest. What helps you come back to baseline? That’s a coping skill. Learn it. Use it.
3. Learn how to hold a positive mindset without faking it
This isn’t “be grateful and smile through the pain.” It’s about choosing to believe that your hard moment isn’t your whole story. You don’t need to be a motivational quote machine. You just need to stop catastrophizing every inconvenience and give yourself the benefit of the doubt sometimes.
4. Get comfortable with change (even when it sucks)
Life will not stop reshuffling your plans, your people, or your priorities. Adaptability isn’t weakness. It’s intelligence. Resilient girls know how to move with life instead of fighting it at every turn. If it’s changing... maybe it’s clearing space for better.
Sometimes, resilience looks like taking a lap around the block instead of sending the angry text. Sometimes it looks like crying for ten minutes, wiping your face, and getting back to work. Sometimes it’s letting someone help you. Sometimes it’s not responding to that email. It’s not cute or curated... but it’s effective.
When I went back to work four weeks postpartum (yes, four), I put on a good show. I smiled. I answered emails. I even had people say things like, “I’m so glad you’re doing well and didn’t get that postpartum depression thing.” Which is a wild thing to say to a new mom. But lucky for all of us, I’d already done the internal work. I’d trained myself to be resilient. Not by pretending I was okay, but by building the skills to walk through it anyway.
And you can still put on a show for some people, in certain situations or environments. Not everything and everyone needs or deserves to see your journey. It’s still okay to pretend... as long as you aren’t trying to fool yourself.
Because it's not about faking fine. It's about acknowledging that things are not okay, trusting that they will be okay again, and having a plan to get there. Like I said, it’s strategy.
You don’t need to be unbothered. You don’t need to be the girl who never cries. You don’t need to pretend you’re above it all just to prove a point.
You need to be aware. Honest. Trained.
Resilience doesn’t mean life doesn’t hit you. It means it doesn’t knock you out every time.
Tough girls are the new hot girls. Not because we’re cold or emotionless... but because we’ve learned how to hold it all and hold ourselves at the same time.
And that? Is hot.
Love you all (probably),
Kate
